this dog looks like a cop

why do all german shepards look like cops? (right?)

tiger woods is on clearance

no comment. just saying that regular gatorade is not on clearance…

Bad Guy Hideout’s Favorite Video of 00s:

I laugh out loud every single time I watch it. (Which in an ideal world, would be everyday at 3PM in my pajamas while I eat Lucky Charms).  Who are these people? Why they are : Schadenfreude.

The 5 Actual Realities of Being a Mistress

Today, the ever informative and insightful Huffington Post Living Section wrote an article about the “5 Realities of Being a Mistress” which could have been summed up into one fucking sentence called, “you are not really important.” So read it if you want to waste your time but I’d like to offer up a list that may be more helpful:

5 Actual Realities of Being a Mistress

1. You might get AIDS. The reality is, his wife might have AIDS.  Or his wife might be getting AIDS pretty soon and then he’ll have it and then you will. This is especially a reality if you drink each other’s blood.

2. You probably won’t get a Valentine’s Day present. Is there any reason to be with a man if you’re not going to get a Valentine’s Day present? If you have not the slightest chance of seeing a Katherine Heigl movie and getting a heart shaped box full of chocolates that all have surprise pink shit in the middle? I think not.

3. Sometimes The Four Seasons will be booked. And then you will have to have sex in a Marriott Courtyard. There’s nothing more embarassing than being the mistress who gets taken to the Marriott Courtyard. What will you tell your other mistress friends when they tell stories about the Ritz Carlton or Chateau Marmont? That after he banged you he took you out for a romantic, complimentary continental breakfast of orange juice and Rice Krispies boxes? This is the reality, ladies.

4. You are not Joan Holloway. You are Skank Molloway.

5. You’re going to have to give a lot of blow jobs. Most men cheat because they don’t get blow jobs from their wives while they eat meat lovers pizza and watch the Dallas Cowboys and they’re going to want you to do that for them. And the grossest part about giving a blow job is also having to smell meat lovers pizza when you do it. This is the reality of being a mistress.

somebody’s great idea

INT. MIDWAY AIRPORT CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Airport managers, Bob and Mindy, sit at a long conference table, arguing. A bowl of jelly beans sits at one end. The flourecsent light above them flickers. They’ve been sitting there for three hours.

BOB: This is impossible. We’re never going to make people happy at our airport.

Mindy takes a bite of a BLACK JELLY BEAN. She gags and spits it into a napkin.

MINDY: Ew, I thought that was purple. Bob, this is pointless. Airports will never be a fun place.

The radio starts to play a “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” cover, by local band, Sheryl and Tom. Bob taps his foot.

MINDY: If only there was something…

BOB: Hey! What if we got a BAND to play near the baggage claim! That would make people happy! We could build a stage out of plywood and metal and screen print a backdrop and everything!

MINDY: There’s no way that could be done. Who would have enough time to play at the airport.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (VO): And that was local band Sheryl and Tom. Serving south Chicago for over 14 years. For booking information please call, 555-5535-5458, and call now! They have a lot of time on their hands and have experience playing everywhere! Even airport baggage claims! Yeeee hawwww.

BOB: Mindy- did you get that number?

MINDY: Of course- it was just a bunch of fives.

BOB:Tom and Sheryl are the answer to Midway’s problems! There’s no way airport  patrons won’t have lifted spirits after hearing Tom and Sheryl. ‘Specially round the holidays. We’ll put them…right around the baggage claim.

MINDY: But aren’t the most upset people at Midway the one’s with the delayed flights? They’re not going to benefit from Sheryl and Tom.

BOB: Maybe Tom and Sheryl can be streamed through speakers around the entire airport.

MINDY: We don’t have the budget for Sheryl and Tom speakers.

BOB: Well…if you think about it…the most murders occur at airport baggage claims because people are so upset their luggage is lost. So I really think this would be beneficial.

MINDY: Ok. Yeah. Ill book Sheryl and Tom if you make the stage.

BOB: (quietly humming) “grandma got runover by a shmeindeer. walkin’ home from our house chrrristmas eeeeeve”

MINDY: (spits out another jelly bean) Shit. Thought that was purple again.

END.

New Nine

This is the new trailer for Nine which will be out nationwide on Christmas Day, the way Jesus would have intended it. He likes it when movies come out on his birthday because, you see, his birthday parties usually end up with family fights, drunk uncles, and disappointed non-pony owning children, so he likes to escape for a few hours at the theater and eat Milk Duds. I prefer the original trailer to this one, but, let’s take a moment to give kudos where kudos is due. Kate Hudson. Jeez. This is certainly a step up from her smash hit Fool’s Gold. And that one where she fights in a wedding dress with Anne Hathaway and Murphy Brown at the Plaza and they end up reconciling and she gets married and Anne Hathaway ends up with her brother and then they’re pregnant at the same time. (Not that I saw that movie ever or anything…)

Also embarassing: I once stayed in on a Friday night to watch Cheaper By The Dozen.

martini jello shots

Our friend Bad Guy Jessa sent us this picture of the fanciest jell-o shots ever that her awesome mom makes- green apple martini shots with cherries in them and straight up martini shots with olives in them. augh!  Us Bad Guys like vodka which includes eating it in square form…which is actually  the best part about these. Remember in college when you took jell-o shots and sometimes the bad host that made them put them in dixie cups instead of plastic cups and you had to scrape it out with a spoon or toothpick so it really was never a jell-o shot at all but instead a jell-o scrape? bleh. Thank god we’re old and super fancy now. Also thank god for moroccan hair oil which keeps our hair shiny and flippable.

Yeastiality

Lady, if you’re going to fuck a muffin, at least have some standards and bang the one *not* on sale.

Chicago French Market in Polaroids

Us Bad Guys officially have seasonal affective disorder so it’s now time to do everything we can to be happy. Which means, pretending we are in France by going to the newly opened “Chicago French Market.” It was very lovely but our comment in the non-existent ’suggestion box’ was that the French Market should play French music. Kings of Leon and Eric Clapton unplugged are nice and all, Mayor Daley, but would it have hurt you to hire a French music consultant to make you an ipod playlist for opening weekend? Le sigh.

Review of Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Before I Watch It

These ladies are very pretty.

Look at that intricate bra.

I bet wings are hard to walk in.

Yay! They are playing Lady Gaga.

Augh, Tyra.

She is pretty. She just had a baby?

None of this will make me buy anything with the work “PINK” on it.

She is pretty, I bet she is from Brazil.

Let’s watch an Always Sunny re-run.

Click.

American Public, You are Unqualified Social Workers.

I’m not sure why I continually find myself sticking up for god damn Suri Cruise. But here I go again. First it was coffee. And now it’s her barely high heels that people are saying will damage little Suri’s tiny bones causing her to become a deformed monster in adulthood, to which her mother had to explain to the American public-turned social workers that they are actually very safe kid dance shoes but people still say she is a terrible mother. A terrible mother they say!

Last week, I saw a three year-old child eating a taco and drinking coca-cola out of a straw at 11pm at the taqueria near mi casa. But was I about to go up to her very intimidating Mexican mother wearing a Looney Tunes jacket and say, “Hola. This child should be in bed! And why is a three year-old eating el pastor anyway? That is a grown-up’s taco. Adios.”

No. Because she’d punch me. In the face. And ya-wanna-know-why? Because no one likes being told how to raise their children. And ya-wanna-know-what else? Wearing tiny heels is not even fucking bad compared to this taco eating, sugar drinking kid at the taqueria at 11 pm. And it’s also not as bad as that whiskey dad that lets his five-year-old son watch Kourtney and Khloe in Miami. And it’s not as bad as when your dad used to take you out behind the wood shed and beat you with a belt on the farm back in 1939. And it’s not as bad as all those parent child molesters. And none of those are as bad as those moms who make their babies be in beauty pageants.

So, to sum up this lesson:

Suri Cruise = not on a path to deformed adulthood because of shoes. But maybe deformed adulthood because of weird dad.

Katie Holmes = not not a good mom for letting her wear tiny heels and Starbucks hot chocolate. Should smile more.

Tom Cruise = might implode one day.

Mexican Taqueria Woman = she will punch you. In the face.

Unqualified Social Workers = if you really care about the well-being of children so much, why don’t you volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters  instead of trolling around on the internet making comments?

Me = had a sneaking suspicion the guy next to me at this coffee shop was Aziz Ansari until I saw he had a maltese puppy in a purse and decided no.  Also, might make potato leek soup for dinner. Also, will never post about Suri Cruise again.

About Fleet Farm

Us Bad Guy’s posting habits the past week have been garbage. Until now. Let’s discuss some things, shall we?

This picture was taken at a semi-joke trip to Fleet Farm. To remind you, “loungewear” means “lingerie.” Yes. In a land far, far off the highway, in a warehouse filled with the dreams and tools of farmers and girl farmers, there exists camouflage lingerie. That real people buy and wear. (I think). I wanted to snap a picture of the actual lingerie but right after this was taken we got yelled at by a disgruntled employee in a blaze orange t-shirt and a nametag that read, “Melvin”. Melvin explained that “there are no taking pictures at Fleet Farm.” In my brain he continued to say, “Farmers do NOT like their secrets revealed. If our farm secretes EVER got out to the public, we, heck, the entire farming industry could be destroyed. What is bought and sold between these walls made of sheet metal contain the secrets and successes of millions of years of farming. If a non-farming civilian were to ever see a picture taken in here, the country’s supply of farms would burst into flames….and ya know what? There’s nothin’ no one could do about it, because the tools you need to put out fires are all sold at Fleet Farm….” And then he spit some Skoal into an empty Pepsi bottle, tipped his stetson and walked off into the fishing lure department. (in my brain.)

Bad Guy Lindsey has Something to Say!

Dear Banana Republic,

….do you really a think a psuedo romantic photograph of a rugged man with a trombone hugging a woman will entice me to buy your mostly overpriced sweaters? No. It does not. It merely confuses me and makes me wonder if you’re making a distasteful sexual inuendo veiled in ‘holiday spirit.’

Love,

Bad Guy Lindsey

********************************************************************************

Dear Banana Republic Photographer,

Seriously?

Love,

Me.

cute culture

There’s an article in Vanity Fair this month about how “cute” is taking over American culture. So to celebrate, here is a cute picture of my dog, whose alias is “Purple Pants”. (He likes to remain anonymous.) Anyway, let’s stop cuteness from taking over our country before this happens:

duh.

To all you douchebag celeb-bloggers who think Sarah Palin has had plastic surgery: maybe she has, but don’t put a “Then-Now” picture up of her in shitty, cloudy natural light and another one of her in OPRAH’S studio light. It never occurred to you that Oprah’s studio light cost more than most people’s single family homes and is probably made out of thousand year-old Swedish pixie dust made by an ancient and powerful shaman? Oprah looks like she’s nineteen on her show everyday and how old is she really? Sixty? Who cares, it doesn’t matter, because her lighting does wonders. And why does this lack of critical thinking skills surprise me?  In the job description of “celeb-blogger” no where does it state, “must  possess basic logic skills, reasoning  skills a plus.” It says, “must have computer, ability to identify celebrity name when shown face.”

a note to playboy centerfolds…

Now, I’m not one to tell people not to go after their dreams or anything, in fact, I encourage it. I’m just saying that maybe, choose one. Choose either being a model/actress OR being a veterinarian. Choose being a model/actress OR opening an animal shelter. Choose being a model/actress OR an animal rescue worker. Because ladies, both careers require a lot of time and focus and I’ve noticed a lot of you all want to do both. I’m not sure if there has been a centerfold in the history of heart-doodled questionnaires that doesn’t want to be a model/actress and an animal “something.” Now I’m not saying there aren’t *any* successful model/actresses that are also veterinarians…I’m sure there is one somewhere…probably. It’s just that, animals are real creatures with veins and organs and an endocrine system and well, it’s hard to learn all that stuff while you’re also memorizing a monologue for tomorrow’s audition for National Lampoons Dorm Sex Road Trip Bong. Think about it. Maybe just get a bunch of puppies instead.

Love,

Bad Guy Counselor.

not since the presidential election of 1824, has your vote mattered so much…

Vote for Bud Light “Swear Jar” for commercial of the year in Adweek’s Best of the 2000s. Click here to vote.

A Hypochondriac (me) Reviews a Wolfmother Concert

Since I wasn’t lucky enough to be a teen in 1973,  I saw the closest thing to Led Zeppelin I will ever see, in the form of Wolfmother, an Austrailian psychadelic-esque classic rock-kinda rock band. I immediately probably contacted H1n1 because I squeezed the lime into my vodka soda *right* after I went to an ATM without washing my hands first. At least I’ll get to stay home from work and watch Jack Nicholson movies if I end up not dying from it.

Then we took our seats…I was also lucky enough to have some weird pass where I could go up into the balcony and sit in my own seat instead in the mass mob on the floor, filled with people coughing and sneezing and open wounds. The band came on and they played songs which I sang to and it was fun and they were good. I looked below and noticed everyone on the first floor was a boy, and the way boys dance without wanting people to think they are gay is called a mosh pit, or as I like to call it a ‘circle of air bourne disease’/ ‘ring of probably will get my arm broken’/ ’sphere of murder sweat’. I happily drank my second vodka soda from up above, this time squeezing it with my teeth into the drink. Who was I kidding? The slob that cut the lime probably sneezed on it. I’m getting the swine flu no matter what.

Then we met the band and they were very nice. Then we went backstage and drank Coronas with the band. I chose not to eat any of the food they had incase it was laced with cocaine, ruffies, or something I don’t know I’m allergic to yet. It’s one thing to have an allergic reaction to a rare Brazilian tree nut and it’s another thing to have an allergic reaction to a rare Brazilian tree nut in front of Wolfmother. It was in the basement of the venue and was pretty crowded and if for some reason the place started on fire we would never escape. But that was the risk I was willing to take in order to hear an impromptu acoustic set of various John Lennon, Stevie Nicks, that other guy, songs. My arm started getting numb and it was either the way I was sitting or a heart attack or stroke so I figured it was probably time to leave. I told them all it was a great show and I told the teen girls that were there not to get raped on their way home and gave them some mace and I hopped in a cab to find my favorite person, who will still like me if I have an allergic reaction to a rare Brazillian tree nut in public.

Here is another music review I did. As you can see from my talent, I have an open invitation to write for Rolling Stone anytime I’d like.

Whatever, Martha

God I love Martha Stewart’s brain.  She doesn’t realize when she offends guests, she actually thinks people want a jar of beans in their house as decoration, she broke the law, and she says things like, “This is a delicious autumnal gourd bird painting for every holiday feast festivity hearth hot glue gun confectioners sugar slacks.”

She has a recipe on her website on how to make cookies in a waffle iron. A waffle iron! What brain would have thought of such a thing? So my friend, Bad Guy Laura, and I TRIED IT.

Martha’s cookies looked like this:

Our cookies looked like this:

And this:

soooo……..I think it’s clear MS is an wizard in a WASP’s clothing.  And that I spit out a burnt chunk of cookie into my sink last night. Thank you, garbage disposal inventor.

*Read Laura’s article about it here. All these photos were taken by her too! *

Bad Guy Ben watched Top Chef and is pisssssssed…..

And now, Bad Guy Ben, rants about THIS MAN:

“And Robin leaves Top Chef. FINALLY.  Now I can devote all my Top Chef time to hating on the younger Voltaggio dickhole.  Am I the only person who thinks this guy is a fucking douche?  He’s a total cockface.  “I don’t have to say it to anyone, but I got a Michelin star when I was 26.”  Dick, you just said it.  I don’t get the judges’ boners for this guy.  He made a freaking chicken finger with buffalo sauce.  And, oh ny god, what’s this? He put some blue cheese on top!  I love the interplay of the buffalo sauce and blue cheese!  Well we might as well have top chef set in Hooters next season.  Jesus.

Let’s go fat man Kevin.  A real winner, food looks good and this guy can eat.  The other girl, the pothead blonde, I love it.  A complete mental breakdown for my veiwing pleasure? Yes please.  I can just imagine the producers off camera deciding to send other dickhole, Mike from Jersey home last week.

Producer A:  ”well, MIke is a dick and I think he’s starting to grate on people’s nerves.”

Producer B: “yeah, and we found another total dick in the one Voltaggio kid with the fucking knife and fork hand tattoo.”

Prducer C:  ”Totally, and we have to keep Robin around for at least one more week because she is so annoying and sucky and we always keep at least one annoying and sucky person around til the end, hell last year we let an annoying and sucky person win the whole thing!”

Producer A:  ”Hmm, what if we send the blonde girl home?”

Producer C:  ”No, she is having a breakdown.  I want to see how far we can push her.  Get the judges to tell her that she seems like she is losing it and then hide her pot from her.”

Who’s left.  Old Voltaggio robot and Eli.  Ok, I like Eli.  He’s not a great chef obviously, but he thinks he is which is adorable.  He also lives with his parents, which he admits is both bogus and sad. However he is on a cable show, and he still knows how to party.  But what he’d really like to do is do Top Chef for a living.  It might happen.  Shh’yeah and monkeys might fly out of my butt.”

Ben feels greatly about this. Here is something I feel strongly about: Padma having her own sitcom. If you compare her to Charlie Sheen, she could be great. But if you compare her to Debra Messing, she will be a crapbag disaster. The theory of relativity  is everywhere. Just like this swine flu I probably am coming down with. “Who’s Anthony who’s Anthony?”

and they will claw out your eyes with their fiery claws from hell and wipe them on their blouses

here.

look! it’s SO easy!

An outdoor ebay store! Isn’t it convenient? You can stand outside in the freezing cold on outdoor computers and scour ebay for great deals on slacks and electronics instead of doing it  in the comfort of your warm, safe home while wearing pjammy pants and eating Stacy’s pita chips.

 

How Two Marketing Interns Promote A Shit Movie

CASSIE: Crap. We got assigned to write the copy for The Ugly Truth ad.

BEN: Fuck. (Beat) Fuck me in the fat face.

CASSIE: I know, riiiiight? This movie is everything that is wrong with everything.

BEN: My sister didn’t even like this movie and she liked Joe Verses The Volcano.

CASSIE: Let’s just get it over with. Ok. Oh, I KNOW! We’ll find quotes from REALLY good reviews and just slop those on and we’ll be done.

BEN: Yes! Perfect. Okay, the Wall Street Journal says, “The Ugly Truth wants to have it both ways, reveling in a misogyny it claims to deplore.” Shit.

CASSIE: Ok, New York Times says, “A cynical, clumsy, aptly titled attempt to cross the female-oriented romantic comedy with the male-oriented gross-out comedy.” Crap.

BEN: Rolling Stone says, “Toss this ugly crap to the curb”

CASSIE: Salon says, “Until that final, inevitable kiss, we have to listen to them, and the clatter of their crude, brainless exchanges is unbearable.”

BEN:  We are going to be here until god damn midnight.

CASSIE: No! I’ve got it!!!!! IN TOUCH WEEKLY! In Touch Weekly says, “A sassy, sexy, screwball comedy! It’s wicked fun!”

BEN: Let’s just split it up into two different quotes by the same person.

CASSIE: Yeah-people are stupid- they won’t know the difference!

BEN:And let’s write “IN TOUCH WEEKLY” in really tiny font so people don’t read it and assume it’s a professional, credible source with any sort of taste or knowledge about film whatsoever.

CASSIE: Yessss! Perfect.

BEN: Wanna get thai food and  make out?

CASSIE: Okay.

(They make out)

THE END.

My friend told me to come over and see her new espresso machine. I was not expecting this…

…this amazing golden Wonka machine. With a soaring eagle atop.

What November 1st Means to Me.

To me, November 1st means waking up early with the dog, walking in the brisk November air to get a morning newspaper and coffee and seeing all the sluts do the walk-of-shame still in their costumes from the night before. There’s nothing more satisfying and nothing that raises one’s self esteem greater than seeing a woman dressed as a Slutty Police Cat walking home on November 1st with smeared make-up, one cat ear, and a missing stiletto or a man dressed in a monkey suit stained with Miller Light, waiting for the bus. If you suffer from mild depression or even just bouts of low self-esteem, November 1st is really a time to take a lawn chair out to a highly trafficked residential area and just stare. You’ll be feeling great about your self in no time. Now, all the haters and disagreers will think, “Yeah, but those guys got LAID last night, so that’s awesome.” And to that I say, “No, no, haters and disagreers, it is not. Because they don’t remember it, they don’t really care about each other, and the other person was probably really ugly.” And then I take a sip of my coffee and continue, “And also, they wake up with a pounding headache and now have to venture out into the bright daylight-savings light and face reality. And by reality I mean, clean, mostly sober, std-free, judgmental passerbys.

Sometimes I just want to stop and shake the ladies and say, “No! Don’t you understand!? November 1st is the time you wake up early while hook-up guy is still sleeping, steal his smallest clothes and get the eff out of there. If there is ever a time to steal, this is it. Seize the morning! It doesn’t have to be this way- you do not need to be wearing a milk maid dress on the el train on a Sunday morning. On Jesus’ morning.” Why don’t some girls have the sensibility to steal clothes to avoid public mockery? Or to go to their house at 3 am and make the boys walk home in the morning? Come ‘on ladies. Think with your heads. Like Katherine Heigl in that shit movie about how men and women think with different parts.

November 1st also means seeing pieces of Halloween costumes lined along the streets and alleys. Like this awesome abandoned robot costume on the sidewalk. This drunkard probably thought, “Fuck this robot costume, I’m sick of this. Hmmm…rectangle. Yeah, man. I’m just gonna put my rectangle by all these other rectangles to blend in and no one will ever know. Yeah. Rock on, man.”

Halloween:

The only time of year Gaga, Courtney Love and Minerva all hang out.

Clark W. Griswold Jr. Does Halloween

Every. Single. Kramer. Entrance. Ever.

 

also watch it on funny or die.

“Battle of the Bulge” by The Heez

And now, Us Bad Guys would like to present a true short story by none other than Bad Guy Heez:

Today I went to get a muscle shirt for my skeletor costume at Arc’s value village. I squeezed into one…it was perfect aesthetically…but it was definitely a child’s tank top…and I got stuck in it. For ten minutes, at least. The grunts coming from the fitting room elicited a few responses. I was covered in sweat. Eventually, a manager came over to inquire and I asked for scissors.

She said “I’m sorry, we cannot cut your shirt for liability purposes.”

“Can I have the scissors then?”

“No sir, I’m very sorry.” And she walked away.

It was then that I called upon a strength from within, perhaps even garnered from Castle Greyskull itself…and I ripped down, through the armpits. The left armpit was much harder to get through and had an awkward angle, like I was trying to dunk an attacking goose. But I got through. VICTORY! When I got to the cash register, looking like I had just emerged from trench warfare, the woman said:

“It’s okay sir, you don’t have to pay for the shirt.”

To which I scoffed and replied: “Are you kidding? It’s part of my Halloween costume!” It just may never come off.

To give you a better visualization of Bad Guy Heez and the awesome weirdness he is, I have posted below, my all time favorite picture of him. It was taken a long, long time ago, as he was trying to talk up a lady….

….with a giant shoulder stain. god bless.

CELEB SIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AUGHHHHHHOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMOGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMOGMOGGOMGOGMOGMG

Guess who was shopping today at NORDSTROM!??!?!?!?!!?

HOT  BOY TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENS!

what the teens drink

Teens: A Case Study. Fact: Teens and occult bookstore owners are the only people who like vampires. Fact: Teens have lots of indispensable income, thanks to their jobs at grocery stores. Fact: Teens typically prefer rum over wine. Analysis: Vampire is the new Joe Camel. Vampire wine is the new Camel cigarettes. Further analysis: This wine most likely tastes like shit.

Halloween: A ‘How To’ Guide for Poor Kids

We have already discussed how to make a Michael Jackson costume on the cheap, but lets be honest, girls aren’t going to go as him because he’s not slutty enough. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s pretty slutty, but Halloween is a time for girls ages 17-36 (and some 50 year-olds) to dress like the biggest skank ever made and not feel ashamed. This also means, that rich girls will get the most expensive skankiest dresses from Fredricks of Hollywood and Fancy Slut Halloween Warehouse and thousands of poor girls will yet again be Dolly Parton and they will get teased by rich girls in Slutty Nurse and Slutty Health Lobbyist costumes and they will cry and I will cry.

Until now. Here I bring you: “Halloween ‘How-To’ Guide for Poor Kids.” This week: Slutty Lindsey Lohan.

First, drive to the nearest farmland. Turn your car lights off so you can sneak up right next to the barn. Run in and grab a square of hay. Barrel of hay? Bushel of hay? BALE! Thanks, wikipedia.  Get a BALE of hay. Don’t worry about the farmer, he’s been sleeping since four pm since that’s the time farmers go to sleep. Which is why none of them know who Alec Baldwin is or what year it is.  Take it home and glue several hays together so it’s super long and then attach it to your hair with glue or any sort of weaving technique.

Next, go to your fat kid neighbor Jeremy’s house and grab a box of mac and cheese. He won’t mind. He has forty more boxes since his parents shop at Costco and  are too busy being personal injury lawyers to even know a stranger is at their house, stealing from their overweight son. Take out the cheese packet, add a 1/4 cup of water, and rub it all over your body.

Finally, get a BUNCH of cocaine from Scarface. Voila!

And there you have it! A FREE Lindsey Lohan costume!!! See?! It’s not so bad being a poor girl.  Some slut just paid $99 dollars to be a Slutty Slut and YOU get to be a slut for free. Now, lets go trick or treating and hope no one hands out any of those chocolate discs with tin foil wrapping.

what happens when you don’t have anywhere to tie your pinata

Success! We got candy aaaaaaaaaaaaand our friend Bad Guy Andrew was NOT harmed.

condom commercial from Africa

thanks, bad guy ben. thank you for this weird, gross commercial.

sports writing.

Besides Ray Barone, I cannot tell you the names of any sports writers and also can’t tell you why people would want to read about sports. Something so visual cannot possibly translate to writing and be entertaining, can it? I’ve decided to give my hand at writing about sports in the post below I like to call, “Bad Guy Hideout’s Recap of the Minnesota Vikings Game Verses the Baltimore Birds.”

Brett Favre plays for the Vikings and today they are against Baltimore Orioles Falcons Ravens. Bird identification is typically not a strength for sports writers.  The ball is thrown around a few times. Brett looks upset when the other guy doesn’t catch it and happy when he does catch it. Boys hit each other and push each other and tackle each other and throw the ball and catch the ball and drop the ball and pick up and run with the ball and run after the people with the ball and take the ball across lines. The score is 33-31. The Birds try to kick a field goal and completely miss. Brett Favre wins, only he wasn’t even watching because he was either bored, sad they were going to lose their first game of the season, or thinking about which kind of chips his wife brought for him for after the game. Someone tells him they won and he cheers like a happy uncle! Vikings win.

Let’s compare it to a professional, reviewing a different game, between the Bills and Brett Favre’s ex-friends: (via the NYtimes)

“ The first turnover goes to the Bills, but it’s a bad break for Sanchez. He tried to lead Braylon Edwards, who had gotten behind his man, but led him too far. Edwards got one hand on the ball but succeeded only in tipping it up just long enough for safety Jairus Byrd to race over and pluck it out of the air.”

If I do say so myself, my article was just about as tedious as a professional sports writer. I’d like to pat myself on the back for this exercise in mediocrity and boring.  But this poses a new mystery: “How was a man as intelligent and hilarious and entertaining as Ray Barone be in a profession so devoid of excitement and intrigue?!”

Your New Favorite Commercial

um.

America, know this: you do not need caffeine to exist. Coffee is supposed to be a fun event. Not something you stand out in the cold for. Unless Jimmy Page is a guest barista to promote his new cd entitled, “The First Good CD to Be Sold at Starbucks. “

(huge groan)

Really, Trendy Women’s Retail Store? This is your cute display of new dresses? Guess what will happen to 100% of all women that purchase this dress for their winter vacation in St. Lucia/that indoor water park in Minnesota? They are going to whip it out of their suitcase, untie it, stare at it, put it on, continue to wrap and unwrap unsuccessfully until their husband/boyfriend/girlfriend walks in and laughs at them at which point they will be SO frustrated they will burst out crying and ruin the entire evening of dancing and monk fish caviar and margaritas made with mezcal they were so looking forward to. You have just ruined every woman’s vacation, Trendy Women’s Retail Store. Congratulations.

what’s the big deal?

People are IN A HUFF that Suri Cruise was drinking Starbucks and wearing high heels last weekend. I’m not sure what the big deal is. Miley Cyrus is like, 1 year older than her and is dancing on stripper poles and making out with boys in trees. When you you compare the two, Suri isn’t so bad. It’s just like Fazoli’s. When you compare it to Spaghetti O’s with Meatballs in a can, it’s not so bad…

and the predicted number one best-selling toy for this holiday season is….

this thrilling Continental Airlines airport play set for hours and hours of flight delay-code orange-maintenance problem-lost luggage-deboarding passenger-missed connection fun!. I prefer the fancier Korean Air Airport Playset with its gourmet food and Kosmo Suites and Sky Program II featuring over 300 music albums and on demand videos.

Your Last Weekly GOOP: Finance

Sometimes it’s better GOOP late than never. Us Bad Guys were in nyc and then contracted an illness that is either h1n1 or the common cold, which is why this little web page has been so quiet. Until now. I have finally gotten the chance to sit down and read last weeks GOOP which was a “Do.” I read about three sentences and then fell asleep which was from nyquil but mostly the words “investing” and “bankers.” augh. This weeks GOOP is about…FINANCE. The most boring of all words in the land. There seems to be this involuntary gloss that goes over my eyes whenever I hear things about: hedge funds, commodites, both types of flation (in and de), IRAs, etc.

This is why I’m a poor girl writing on a blog instead of a ridiculously dashing, handsome, suit-wearing Wall Street trader investment banker guy that is up at 3 am checking Chinese stocks and pounding redbull to make it through to the closing bell. Then, dependent upon the DOW, I either drown my sorrows or celebrate at Scores with $4000 worth of strippers, champagne, redbull and blow until 1am. Man. What a good life that must be that I don’t lead.

Anyway. Gwyn was really nice to try to help people with their money instead of telling them to buy dresses they can’t afford and stay at hotels most people who aren’t married to Cold Play Guy can’t afford. Which is why I put up a really pretty picture of Gern today. Do you see the correlation with this? Say stupid shit= ugly picture. Say nice things/be awesome = pretty picture. It’s really simple. Just like this explanation of hedge funds:

“Most hedge funds use those basic assets discussed above, but do things with them so that the return is different than the assets themselves. The result is that the returns that hedge funds deliver will be different than what you would receive if you owned the stocks, bonds, or commodities themselves.”

IT’S superfuckinglame!

TV Recap: 90210

Next weeks preview for 90210 was more interesting than todays entire episode. Up for next week: NAY-OH-MAY wears sweatpants!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Come to the VIP Party! By Kiki Gorge

Hey you guys, it’s Kiki. You guys should totally come to the exclusive VIP party this Saturday. I’m dead serious. It’s going to be HUGE. I’ve got the scoop on it and it’s super VIP and exclusive. There’s going to be a VIP area for the VIPs, and I can probably get you on the VIP list that will get you into the VIP area with the VIPs. Huge. It’s going to be so sexy and, best part, the Goose is loose- there’s gonna be a freaking lot of Grey Goose, super hot VIP guys and super hot VIP chairs. That we will sit on and then we will dance on. And then sit on again when our feet get sore. And then we’ll take our shoes off and dance on them again.  I’m dead serious. This is going to be the most exclusive thing you’ve been to since we saw Klohe Kardashian in the Vegas and told her we loved her top. Speaking of tops, break out your sexiest VIP tops- I’m talking VIP glitter,  VIP sequins, VIP rayon, VIP tops with your name on it, VIP tops with a sexy message on it, VIP tops with another top on it- anything. Or don’t even wear a top. Just wear a dress. Or a skirt with no top. It doesn’t even matter because you wanna know why? VIP. That’s why. V. I. P. I’m dead serious. It starts at 10:30 pm but we will be pre-partying at my condo at 4pm. Yeah, it’s a long time but dont worry I have some adderall we can cut up and snort through our noses. So, here’s the VIP RECAP:

4pm: Meet at my condo. Drink some flirtinis

5pm: eat some Doritos so we don’t barf later

5:30: Drink some cosmotinis

6pm: make-up retouch!

6:30pm: pick out tops. (see above)

7pm: boys come over!

7:10pm: make out with a boy in the bathroom

7:15pm: cig break!

8pm: Beer pong! Flip cup! All sing Katy Perry song. Plan trip to Vegas.

9pm: Adderall

10pm: Surprise! Escalade limo is picking us up!

10:15pm: Make up retouch/limo Miller Light bottles/ sing Katy Perry again

10:30pm: Arrive at Club Ice.

10:31pm: Cut line to front, point out my name: Kiki Gorge, enter VIP area.

10:40pm: VIPVIPVIPVIVPVPVIVPVPVIPVPVIVPIVPVIPVIPVIVPVIPVIVPVIVIVPVPVPVIVPPVIVPVPVIV

10:45pm: Dance on chairs.

1am: Fall off chair.

1:05am: Sit on chair. Pour Grey Goose on body and tell VIP exclusive boys to drink me up.

1:06am: Get kicked out of Club Ice.

1:16am: Barf in Escalade.

So, who’s in ? It’s going to be HUGE. I’m dead serious.

the elevator chair: a nice alternative to rollercoasters

the decision to put your life in the hands of a giant yellow machine that goes two hundred miles an hour, whips you upside down multiple times and is also called, “Iron Wolf” (or something similar) is a serious decision thousands of americans make every day when they visit popular theme parks.  I’d like to offer a safer alternative for hypochondriacs, the elderly, and scaredy-cats alike: the elevator chair. While it only goes .5 miles per hour and doesn’t make any sudden movements, it does get you safely to your destination (up the stairs/down the stairs), and offers minutes of enjoyment, especially when drinking. Do you see Bad Guy Model above? He is thrilled. And drunk.

spotted at walgreens

ew. the last thing I want to think about when I’m eating baked cheese sticks is someone getting poked in their arm with a giant needle at Walgreens. cheetos and shots. It’s like that health food place that serves only raw food and also performs colonics. some things are best kept separate.

Halloween: A ‘How To’ Guide For Poor Kids

Halloween is coming up. This means that thousands of children across the country will execute one of my biggest pet peeves: coats over Halloween costumes. Augh. Come on, take your fucking coat off. It’s high time you commit to your costume…no coats.

This also means that thousands of rich children will get to have fancy laser masks with  twinkling lights in whatever costume is the trendiest this year and thousands of  poor kids will go, for the sixth consecutive year, as a hobo. They will get teased by rich kids in Watchmen and Transformers costumes and it will be sad and I will cry and they will cry.

Until now. Here I bring you “Halloween: A How To Guide For Poor Kids”. This week: Michael Jackson

He *will* be the number one costume of the year. But an MJ mask can run you like 20 to 40 dollars and who has money for that when you have pizza and video games and vodka to buy?

First. Go to your older sister Laura’s closet and dig out that scream mask she still has when she went as Neve Campell and her dirtbag boyfriend went as the murderer in 1997. She still has it for old times sake, even though she’s a complete whore now and he has five kids with that woman at the courthouse. Dust it off, it’s been awhile since 1997.

Next, walk next door to your neighbor, Krystal’s house. She will probably be passed out because she always is at 1pm. Cut off a lock of her hair. Don’t worry about waking her up, the large amount of valium and finlandia and bbq chips she ate will keep you in the clear. So, chop off a lock of hair. Take it home and glue it to your scream mask. All over the outside. Almost done!!!

Final touches. Get your mom’s fire engine red lipstick and apply to the mouth. Viola!

And there you have it! A FREE Michael Jackson Halloween mask!! See?! It’s not so bad being a poor kid. Some asshole bought this for $30 and YOU just got it for free. Now, lets go trick or treating and hope no one hands out those bullshit black and orange circles.

jump around

Sometimes when a bad guy gets home to their hideout they just want to order take-out, watch nbc, not have an eye infection, write some stuff, and chill out.

But sometimes, before that happens, they stumble across this video for no reason and end up watching the entire thing.

augh. I must be fucking tired if I *for real* think this is awesome.

Ok. Time for take-out.

bubble wand maker

True story: In college, for a brief period of time, I was a bubble wand maker. Yep. And I made this exact one. There was an ad in the online student job area for the job and I thought, “yeah! this is awesome, I can get paid for watching TV and putting together these whimsical wands for excited children!” It lasted for about three weeks because what they don’t tell you is winding copper wire around this beautiful pink stick fucking hurts your hands. So, if you’re looking for a handmade gift for your niece or gay nephew, you should pick one of these up. And thank the person when you order, for he or she probably has swollen, red fingers and will never be able to pluck his violin again.

bad guy health care

Us Bad Guys have already expressed our opinion on the health care debate. But that doesn’t keep us from attending protests that are conveniently located near our place of employment and favorite sandwich shop during lunchtime.

Here is a video you should watch by our accomplices, Death-Pac.

the emmys

i couldn’t concentrate on the Emmy’s this year because I was drinking vodka and getting surprised with this cake:

The best cake ever made. Thank you, best bf ever. Guys, if you want to know a way to a girls heart, its through an Eric Cartman cake. So anyway, did Jon Cryer really win? REALLY? Like, you’re not joking. You’re not saying this to make me guffaw and get all worried  and then you’ll tell me that Neil Patrick Harris really won, right? No?  In the words of Eric Cartman, “GOD DAMMIT! I hate you, Joooon, I hate you, so very, very much.”

cheap and lazy

Your Weekly GOOP: Fashion time

This weeks GOOP is about fashion.  Gernerth is a week late and an anorexic Serbian model short since fashion week was last week. (A week is like 3 years in model life). But she was stoned last week, so let’s cut her some slack, shall we? She has enlisted in her dear friend (notice she has like 10,000 dear friends? This is like when the doctor called Elaine “breath-taking” and then she heard he called the ugly baby “breath-taking” and realized it doesn’t mean anything and in the other room George and Jerry were talking about shrinkage) Elizabeth Saltzman, who is a fashion person from Londontown who works for Vanity Fair and also picks out Gywn’s clothes sometimes (see above photo). Elizabeth also says things like:

“Here is my fashionating list of Fall (sad face) Winter (even sadder face) trends for 2009/2010.”

“Philip Lim had my favorite little “shimmy shimmy coco pop” dress”

Ahem. Now, as we have previously mentioned, we are not style icons ourselves. Bud Guys can’t be because we’re too busy doing things like: ordering take-out, watching that new nbc comedy, and eating a hacksawed pig. BUT. We do know one thing. That it is stupid to wear every trend every season and be obsessed with being “trendy”. Elizabeth may or may not feel the same way. This women probably gets paid $1,000 an hour to tell people what to wear. And she says  this:

“It’s not me but I can’t deny that it’s everywhere… Leather, leather, leather, biker, biker, biker. The only thing I am craving are some good old-fashion, worn-in motorcycle boots but most people will pick up a leather jacket. May this trend soon be over.”

aslkdjfa;lskdfja.

“I hate this trend. I’m going to buy it anyway. I hope I can throw it away soon.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Then she showed a cute Louis Vuitton dress and said, “this is for runways only, don’t buy anything like it.” Um. thenwhythefuckareyouincludingit? jesus christ. This is why we love Rachel Zoe. (Yeah, we do.) Because she doesn’t force trends. She forces personal style. And also we like the way she talks. And she has a personality and is a weirdo and likes the Grateful Dead and parties with Roger.

This GOOP was a BOMB.

Fave Quote: “Balenciaga & Oscar de la Renta: Fierce chic… perfect, fitted, flawless. For a President, First Lady, Professor, or any elegant woman whether on a red-carpet or a private dinner… this is fierce.” -Elamezabeth

sometimes….

You just need to wear Air Force Ones at your wedding. Congrats to Z and A.

TV Recap: Top Chef

The rumor that I made up in my brain is that the producers of Top Chef got together and decided to get the opposite cast of last year: no one has any personality whatsoever. Do you remember Fabio and Stefan? Who smiled and laughed and made goofball cracks at each other from day one? Do you remember Carla who was like your awesome hippy aunt and screamed “hootie-hoo!” throughout every Whole Foods trip? And famous quasi-skanks, Hosea and Leah? They all have now been replaced with a cast of robots dressed as chefs, and the leaders are The Brothers Bore. It is my theory that they are either, seriously, the most boring humans on the planet, cabable of no emotion or humor or glee, or that they have botoxed their faces and their larynxes.

They begin the episode with a clip of the Brothers Bore and Jag Guy talking to each other about how they are the best chefs. Um. Did you forget about Le Bernadin Jen? She is just as good as Bros and way better than Jag Guy who can’t even pronounce, “gyro.” To begin the snoozefest, they cooked….omg….CACTUS. Everyone’s looked average to disgusting, but all looked amazing compared to what we would have cooked if we were handed a cactus leaf and forced to create a dish for Mean Top Chef Masters Guy. None of this really matters because Padma was wearing a flowy white top, jeans, and whiteish cowboy boots. Blahblah Jag Guy wins.

On to the Elimination Challenge: Go to a ranch in 100 degree heat, sleep in teepees and then cook for a ton of real life ranchers. Highlights:

-Beardy Guy is the BEST at horseshoes and seems like a nice man.

-Jamaican Guy thinks people carry swords in the dessert/anywhere. (He needed to cut his coconut.)

-Tom Coliccio spits out raw fish into the arid dessert sand. If only they had spitoons, like in old timey days, this would have been even more hilarious.

-Padma was dressed like a saloon whore in a flowy  dress and vest. It seems the wardrobe department got their heads together and thought, “hmmmm dessert….ranchers….flowy? yeah! Flowy. Let’s get her flowy! yeah man! Flow it up.”

-Blahblah, Boring Twin wins. Which one? Who cares. Does it really matter? Nothing matters. Because we’re still going to watch it week after week. Because we want to see what Padma is wearing and we like learning about food and we like Beardy Guy and Jen and we like watching it at home with bf and we are still holding out that Tom is going to flip out and cry over poorly cooked oxtail.  If only the cast of The Rachel Zoe Project were excellent chefs. How much more fun would that be?

strollers, are you for real?

The neighborhood i reside in is slowly being infiltrated by mommies and strollers. Since we’re not a bratty hipster that has to live in the kewelst most obscure neighborhood in the city, filled only with artists and vagabonds and hustlers, this doesn’t really bother us. Babies are cute and so are the dogs they are always being walked around with. but what we’ve noticed that is irritating is the current trend in:…strollers.

The strollers of today look like tiny baby space machines. Why? Why are strollers now $3,000 and come equipped with springs and shock absorbers and sun shades and diamond wheels? Do you remember when strollers once looked like this?

When they were just a peice of cloth with some wheels? Because I do. I pushed my little sister around in some cloth with wheels and she turned out just fine and now these mommies find it necessary to buy these ridiculous over-priced strollers and one-up all the other mommies with fanciest stroller. Another problem is that they are always bringing these strollers in to morning brunch spots. Old school strollers used to fold up into a tiny stick you could practically fit it in your jean jacket pocket. Now, they take up 9 square feet that could be used for another table to sit down and enjoy some huevos rancheros. And they take up so much room on the street you have to smash yourself  into a building to let them pass. Well ya know what, yuppie mommies? You better watch out. Because if I have a child or even baby-sit a child, I’m going to wheel them around in a pram.

Yep.  A pram. And it’s going to take up so much space at brunch, you’re going to have to wait an extra 40 minutes to sit down. And I might roll over your feet too on the way out.  And its going to take up so much room on the sidewalk, you and your dog and husband and fancy babies are going to have to just move on over, because Pram Baby is coming through. Watch out for Pram Baby. Now, who wants me to baby-sit their kids?

TV Recap: 90210

Us Bad Guys are stuck in the age group that was a little too young to fully “get” the original 90210 and is a little too old to actually “enjoy” the new 90210. We watch it anyway. Mostly because we love Naomi. Which is mostly because we love saying, “Nah-ohhhh-mi.” Nay-oh-may. Nay-ohhh-mehh. The new season premiered on Tuesday and although we’re a little late on the recap, we’re doing it anyway. Mostly for Bad Guy Rachel, who is between apartments and doesn’t have television.

It’s the last day of summer school and Nay-oh-may is so excited she screams and litters her paper all over the place. The Bi Polar Girl got an edgy haircut and Adrianna got extensions most likely because producers said, “oh shit, people can’t tell the two brown-haired girls apart, lets make SURE their hair length is a foot apart next season.” So the girls go to the Bev Hills pool because Nayms is a member. Adrianna looks at babies gets sad because she gave her baby away and Nay-oh-may is in love with an old dude who appears to be 37 years old.

Meanwhile, Ethan “moved to Montana” which, in TV land, is similar to when parents tell their kids, “your dog went to live on a farm.”  Ethan’s ex, Annie, is all strung out  because she hit a man in the last season finale while drunk driving her car. So she’s stressed and cranky to Aunty Becky and Hot Dad and won’t eat and the make-up artists uglied her up because sad people are ugly. She sits at her laptop furiously checking every search engine (probably even bing, which sucks) to find out about the dude  that she carelessly ran over. Then we find out the man died. Omfg. Annie. Is. A. Murderer. Call the make-up artist- its time to make her super ugly now.

There’s a new “hot guy” who isn’t really hot and who’s dad is a super famous movie star. Like Paul Newman famous. Nay-oh-may obvs loves new guy but he was actually Adrianna’s first boyfriend so she can’t bang him. Augh. That always happens. Nay-oh-may pouts. Then she finds out Old Guy has a wife and kids. Rough day to be in love. She says “no, old guy, i do NOT want to be your girl” which is so admirable of her. It’s whenever you start to question Nay’s judgement, she proves you wrong time and time again. Then she yells at Annie and Annie gets even uglier and also drunk.

Adrianna’s bf is pissed because she won’t have sex with him at the beach party. Hello. She just had a baby. As if any 16 year old would ever want to have sex again after they gave birth to a child.  Annie gets drunk and has sex with a junior. Bi Polar Girl gets back together with Dixon (who you may know as: the only black guy) but then they break up again in the same episode. Typical.

The Last Scene: Nay-oh-may finds out that junior guy recorded a sex tape of Annie. Holy balls. As if it couldn’t get any worse for poor, ugly Annie. The old 90210 characters are no where to be seen, which doesn’t bother us because they were kind of boring and Kelly has a new shitty gig now anyway. What does make us a little sad though, is that Arrested Development Grandma was nowhere to be seen. She was, besides Nay-oh-may, the best part of this show. Hopefully she’ll be back to stop Annie from the inevitable run-away/kidnapping/suicide attempt/meth addiction that is sure to pan out over the next few weeks.

niceness

for all of you who think Us Bad Guys are judgmental and offensive, we are. But we are nice too. Because we donate to charity (when we get this cute heart in return), volunteer (when Obama tells us to), call our parents everyday (to ask for money), help old people cross the street (when they give us their old-timey diamond bracelet in return),  and give Gwyneth a second chance at GOOP (when she appears to have a fun personality and maybe high.)

Your Weekly GOOP: Back, Stoned, and Korean

I don’t know WHAT happened on Gwyn’s vacation but I think it has a little something to do with Cold Play Guy scoring some weed from an old Jamaican high priest because Gernerth is stoned and mothafuckin’ hungry for some Korean food. Chef Lee Gross, who may or may not be asian,  is at her house showing her how to cook spicy miso and bibimbop, and I think you’ll agree, Gern is amazingly tolerable and hilarious. If she keeps this up, she may just become our best friend.

Fave Quote: “I can never pronounce it right. bibimbop. bibimbop. bibimbop.” – Gwyn

Saddest Quote: “I”m in the kitchen with my friend Lee Gross who is the best chef I know.” (Batali  is obviously crying on his fancy boat after hearing this. After all he’s done for her.)

Lesson Learned: If a toy company ever makes a Gwyneth doll make sure it comes with a joint, as to not scare the children.

augh.

why are tiny children playing with little dogs so cute? I feel like one of those girls that sends email forwards of animals or puppies and the font is really big and bright and you can’t really read it and most of the words are spelled incorrectly and then it ends with something about god or “sending this forward to 30 people so you’ll have good luck” or something about american troops.

Your Weekly GOOP: GO Compare/Contrast

well. she’s not back yet. there was no goop in my spam inbox this week. and she didn’t send a letter this week either. so, i have prepared a compare/contrast full of Gwyneth’s quotes from her “GO” section.

GWYN: Barcelona is a city full of wonder and beauty. I first went when I was 19 years old, with some train money and a backpack and not much else.

BGH: Las Vegas is a city full of wonder and beauty. I first went when I was 19 years old, with some sorority sisters and a backpack of slutty tank tops.

GWYN: When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Paris, leaving my younger brother and mother in London where she was filming a movie.

BGH: When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Washington DC, where my younger sister and mother also went because we went places as a family. And she was a principal and not the mom in Meet The Parents.

GWYN: As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me.

BGH: As much as I am a product of many places, I am a midwestern girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious region and it is part of who I am. We don’t have uptowns and downtown in the midwest. It’s just Chicago and then towns.

GWYN: Los Angeles, where I was born and partially raised, will always hold a special place in my heart. Not the L.A. of Hollywood, but the old-school seventies beach vibe which still lingers in corners.

BGH: Wisconsin, where I was born and actually raised, will always hold a special place in my heart. Not the farm-y Wisconsin, but the old school polish gangbuster vibe which still lingers in packing districts and  pierogi shops.

the devil’s transportation

contrary to popular belief, the devil does not get around on a silver horse or a fiery train from hell. the devil rides in this:

…a camouflage melrose place hummer. that apparently makes stops at Wendy’s.

benzoyl peroxide and twix

it used to be, that when a teen had an acne problem they would have an uncomfortable talk about it with their parents who would then take them to a medical physician, who with his/her medical degree, would examine the epidermis thoroughly before prescribing a topical cream or pill or perhaps a change in diet and exercise. now, teen can just go to a vending machine for their acne solutions.  a vending machine. like the kind that sell twix bars and kit kats.

proactiv vending machines. replacing dermatologists one at a time.

and also perhaps, a retaliation against the growing cost  of health care as well as a solution to the typical three month waiting time to get an appointment. or, growing proof that robots and machines  are taking over the planet.

“porchetta farche facon riviera” OR “the poor little pig we saw get hacksawed”"

here are a few pictures from last nights dinner- a birthday celebration for one of our dear friends as well as our journey in to vegetarianism.

staring us down from inside the oven.

staring us down from outside the oven

ugh. hacksaw.

magic show-ish.

And here she/he is, Porchetta Farche Facon Riviera. We cried. And then we ate it. And then we cried again. And then we had seconds. And then we cried and drank wine. And then we cried again and then had some Julia Child’s Chocolate Almond Cake. And then maybe cried one last time.

Health Care Debating

Us Bad Guys had an eye infection and went to a doctor. He told us it would go away in a week, use Visine, and there was nothing I could do about it. We paid this doctor $30 for the visit. It didn’t go away. Then we went to a fancier doctor who told us our eye is super fucked up, gave us eye drop steroids, and said it might take a few months to clear up. We paid him $160 for the visit. Which is why Us Bad Guy’s position on the health care debate is: pay more money.

Civic TV covered a health care protest yesterday. You should check it out.

see more clips at Your Civic Doody

Join Death-Pac: Dying and Enfeebled Against Total Healh Care.

september = new television shows = life has meaning, once again.

i hate you

ok, i know this is old, but it doesn’t make me hate it any less. and really, i only hate it because it’s a nightmare inducing creature from my ID that wakes me up at 2 am from night terrors. night. terrors.

diet coke and lean cuisine

dear secretaries, both male and female,

stop. please stop this diet. millions of you are on this diet. I see you everyday with your pencil skirts/pencil pants and new balance shoes carrying it to work.  diet cokes and lean cuisines everyday of your life will not make you skinny and they will make you the opposite of healthy. which is unhealthy. this diet has been going on far too long. and has reached victims at every workplace environment in the country. please ladies and men, stop eating this bland, chemical-filled spread day after miserable corporate day. Stop eating this glob that still leaves you hungry enough to walk to seven 11 and buy a bag of olestra-filled chips an hour after consumption. haven’t you had enough, secretaries, both male and female?  I have. I have had enough of watching you be miserable while we eat our not-lean cuisine and diet coke lunches. you practically cry tears that almost drip on our maybe sandwiches because you are so jealous of actual flavor. please, secretaries, both male and female, don’t drip your salty tears in our food. Our prosciutto is salty enough.

thanks,

Us Bad Guys

ya know when you have to type in random letters to protect against spam and such? I just got this one/best one so far:

confiserie girts

observations based on reading the Huffington Post “Living” Section

If I were an alien from the planet, Zuelconerf, and my only news were gleaned from the Huffington Post “Living” Section, this is what I would know about Americans. We are:

-stessed

-unhappy

-hooked to blackberries

-divorced

-full of sugar

-upset

-unhappy

-sad

-anxious

-starving

-not creative

-always crying

-unemployed

-making mistakes in relationships

-not doing yoga

-unhappy from not doing yoga

-obsessed with some family called “The Obamas” (see also: style section)

-fat

And then I would fly my spaceship far, far away from this planet called Earth, full of obese, sad, oafs who try to get happy by reading articles from a machine day after miserable day. Is this really how it is? Really?

reno 911 wins the lottery

people are abuzz about the latest 325 million dollar lottery Jaaaaaaackpooooooooot, which reminds us of this amazing, completely nsfw video. I wasn’t able to embed it properly, so you’ll have to CLICK HERE to watch it….

portable stop sign

Your Weekly Goop: Serpicopla Part Two

If you are keeping up on GOOP recaps, Gernerth Plowtrow has been out of town for the entire month of August, vacationing. I know when I get done filming a movie in a beautiful, remote location I need a month long vacation in a beautiful remote location. Gurf. Anyway, last week we received a letter from her via snail mail talking about the trip. At the end she said she got the beauteous privilege of doing something no one else can ever do, eat Mario Baterrrrli’s hand. So, here is her second letter:

“Dear Bad Guys,

Greetings again from Serpicopla, Europe! It’s lovely as a maiden fairchild! I don’t know what that means but usually I just say any words that come to my mind and they sound lovely and perfect because I am Gernerth, and everything I say is precious and beans. Now, on to The Hand. The Hand was lovely, yummy, beautiful, beauteous, fresh, vegan, cleanse, gorgeous, England, gorge, Shakespeare in Love, lovely love, precious, talented, skinny, diet, dress, fancy, gorge, microbiotic, beatiful, Coldplay, baby.

I apologize on having to keep this short, for my husband, Cold Play Guy, is calling me to sing a song to neighboring geese to lure them into our vacation home, dress them in party hats, and then slaughter them for food. alas.

lovely,

gernerth. “

the dead weather interview.

they’re like the cool, not-popular kids in high school that you want to be friends with because they’re so awesome but are kinda scared they won’t like you because you don’t smoke marlboro lights or have a leather jacket or are in a successful rock band or swirl whiskey. sigh.

worlds worst job by Bad Guy Heez

And now, some thoughts from guest writer and dear friend, Bad Guy Heez:

I’ve been wondering lately-who has the worst job in the world?
Is it the foremost scholar on the red-breasted robin?
An Alaskan solar power engineer during the months of December-February?
Kate Gosselin’s hair?

I thought for sure those were three worst until I attended a food safety training yesterday. Here I was, thinking I would only come away with the tools to correctly serve “moon rock cookies” and “penicillin pizza” to the kids in my after school program. With the knowledge I now have, I could open my very own Outback Steakhouse!

I learned that bacteria multiplies quickest between the temperatures of 41 and 135 degrees Fahrenheit. I learned that a proper three compartment sink has stations for washing, rinsing, and sanitizing. Most importantly, I learned that the only way to test for an outbreak of most food borne illnesses is to accumulate samples of human feces.

Our instructor, a sweet and engaging middle-aged food scientist, took an aside to tell us that she once had to test all the employees of an Ohio factory for shigellosis (a bacteria associated with poor hygiene practice) symptoms. Close to a hundred Midwestern men. She said “Oh, it was no big deal. They would do their business and I would just collect them into a box and move on.”

Collect them??

Maybe I’m being a bit prudish here–maybe “factory worker stule sampler” isn’t as bad as it sounds.

Or maybe I’m not quite ready to have kids.

Bad Guy Janet Reno

One of our besties comments under the surname, Janet Reno. She is weird and lovely and one of the funniest people we know. Her most recent comment was the following video. Most people can make it to the four minute mark. How long can you make it?

Bad Guy Music: The xx, xx

Ahem, as I have said, it’s a busy week. Some bad guys are helping out with content (see post below) . So here is a post from resident Bad Guy Music Guy, since I don’t know how to write about music. This is very exciting.

****************

Us Bad Guys like music.  In fact, we love music.  Not in an elitist Pitchfork kind of way, even though we are well-versed and opinionated in our own right.  We’ll give it to you straight-up, like a chest x-ray, what we like and what we don’t . This week: The xx, xx.

The  xx are a UK four-piece, combining a mellow 80s new-wave sound with lush pop-soul tinges.  Romy Madley Croft (lead guitar) and Oliver Sim (bass) share co-ed vocal swapping, crafting a dark, emotional, and almost numbingly beautiful self-titled album.  The xx are not the only UK band who are re-envisioning the sounds of the 80s (White Lies also comes to mind), but they have done so in a restrained and cohesive way.  Numerous tracks stand out (“VCR”, “Islands”, “Heart Skipped a Beat”, “Shelter”), as this album should stand out as one of the most impressive debuts of the year.

xx comes out in October stateside, but if you pre-order the album on vinyl or cd through their website, you can download the mp3 album immediately.

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See?! Aren’t you glad you just learned something? If I were to write a music review it’d go something like this: Yeah man, you should check out, Are You Experienced. Twenty thousand people have written about it already and it came out forty years ago, and you probably heard about it when you were ten years-old and my hippie aunt plays it every night but whatever, it’s still magical, man. And then I whip my dreadlocks behind my head, light a joint, and dance like Janis Joplin out of the music reviewer room I’m located in.

Possible topics from The Heez.

since I have  a somewhat busy week, I’ve called upon a few friends to contribute something. anything. I sent Bad Guy Heez an email asking to contribute and he wrote:

“Let me think on it. Possible topics:

-southwest airline employees
-the time I got rejected whilst swimming to talk to two girls on a rowboat (this saturday)
-the time I got full field sobriety tested while completely sober (last night)
-brett favre’s viking debut
-the time one of the children with autism got a hold of the school camera

I’ll think of some others.”

haaaasldkfja. I can’t wait.

my iphone photo album that leads me to believe I may be clinically insane or just weirder than I thought

Food Review: Jamba Juice’s Greens And Grain Wrap

There aren’t many foods I won’t eat. I’ll eat old frozen pizza, I’ll eat stale popcorn, I’ll eat sheep brains with morel mushrooms, I’ll eat grocery store brand lucky charms in those bags,  and then some. That’s not to say I eat these foods all the time, I just have before and probably would again. Jamba Juice’s Wrap was so fucking disgusting, I didn’t eat it and would never again. The wrap does not fit in the category of old pizza and brains. It falls in the category of: something a bum took a bite of and threw on the street, something that has mold, anything from Popeye’s, something that I take a bite of and spit into the garbage…the category of: I would never eat.

The first problem is that its a wrap. Can we, as humans, get over wraps already? Somewhere, at some point, some “health analyst” said wraps were healthy. They are not. They have 1000 calories, don’t taste as good as bread, and get soggy. The nutrition label says that the wrap has 14 grams of fat, all 14 are in the actual wrappy tortilla shell. The soggy tortilla shell they colored green to seem healthy and tastes like packing peanuts. Homemade bread is so delicious and better for you, so boo to wraps.

The healthy “wrap” is filled with red quinoa and hummus. The quinoa was dry as was the crusty hummus. If you’re going to throw quinoa in something, please, don’t overcook it. Because when you do, Mr. Jamba Juice cooker who is probably 15 years old, it tastes like tiny balls of garbage. And hummus, when used fresh, is delicious. When it is dry and crumbly, it falls out of your mouth like a four year-old. The wrap is also full of  vegetables. Whatev. But the WORST part about this, is the DIPPING SAUCE. It’s a mango dressing that wreaks like garlic that you are supposed to dip this sloppy, green torpedo in.  Jamba Juice, I get why you chose “mango” dressing. Because dumb slobs equate mango with being healthy and exotic and someone probably ate it in the South Beach diet. But when was the last time you dipped a mango in fucking hummus? Never. No one has ever dipped a mango in hummus ever in the history of the planet.

It seems as though the Jamba Juice executive cheff decided that if you mix every healthy food together, it will taste good: green wrap, quinoa, hummus, mango, “veggies” = sell to fat Americans who don’t know any better. Well JJ, your buzzwords don’t fool Us Bad Guys. Anyone with a mouth will figure out this tastes like a mess of health that has been sitting in a damp refrigerator for five very long, very sad days.

If we keep going at this rate  Jamba Juice’s next menu item will be  a spinach, egg white, almond, salmon, blueberry shake. And if that happens, I will order it and dump it onto the register causing it to short out and infect the mother board of Jamba Juices and they will all implode into space where aliens who don’t know any better will enjoy the foreign wrap. Although that means we won’t have the Berry Fulfilling smoothie anymore, which we love. Win some lose some.

(Full disclosure: My Greens and Grain Wrap was free. An overzealous man on Michigan ave shoved it in my face and so I took it because I thought, initially, it was some sort of bag of chips. I was very, very wrong)

Bad Guy Hollywood Recap

Us Bad Guys are having a busy week, so we have enlisted on a few bad friends to help us out. Here are a few thoughts by Bad Guy Boy:

Reaction of disbelief after hearing Entourage is up for an Emmy:

“Entourage sucks because it’s no longer a fish out of water story. Viewers can no longer identify with them as outsiders. They’re now part of the hollywood machine. They’re insiders leaving viewers with no one to identify with. Plus, the show is gay.”

Informing me of great news:
“Basterds won the box office (61M). Hooray for the natzee killing good guys. And Brad Pitt’s beard.”

fake holidays

This photo is by Reiner Riedler from his new awesome book, Fake Holidays; a collection of fake vacay spots and tropical paradise lands. Fun. Read all about it on GOOD.

yesssssssss i love mt. rushmore.

yessssssssss i love asian guys golfing

dog manifesto

sometimes your dog writes his screenplay

and sometimes he has writer’s block and gets stoned

Your Weekly GOOP: Serpicopla

If you recall, Gernerth is on vacay and decided to put GOOP on hiatus until she gets back because it’s not like some qualified intern can slop together some quotes and anecdotes and send it to a listserv. Only Gwyneth knows how to do that so we will wait. That being said, we have great news. Gern has sent us a letter in the mail from her vacation that Us Bad Guys will share with you now:

“Dear Bad Guys,

Greetings from Serpicopla, Europe. You have never heard of Serpicopla because it only exists to those who are fortunate and privileged enough to have been in the movie, Shallow Hal. It is very beauteous and lovely here. Yesterday I ate some airbrushed arugula and drank the blood of a vegan, organic, farm-raised boar, that I lovingly called, “Sea Biscuit.” Then I rolled down a beautiful hill into a meadow filled with narcissism, entitlement, and despair where I played mancala with rocks made of diamond whales. It was lovely and beauteous. Then my husband, Coldplay Guy, read me excerpts from my favorite piece of literature, “LA Candy” written by a contemporary female Shakespeare. It was lovely and kind and beautiful. I was so exhausted from doing nothing, I washed myself with the sweat of Madonna and Cameron Diaz, which I brought with me in a 3 ounce sealable container. It was both lovely and beateous and kind and yummy.

Then, Mario Batali came and served us the most memorable, lovely meal. After 38 beautiful courses, Mario walked over to me and said, “Gernerth. You are wonderful and beauteous and kind and lovely and yummy and beautiful. You deserve to do things that other people aren’t as fortunate to do and tell people about them. So, I would like you to do the one thing no one else in the world will be able to do, except you, you little privledged one. Please, eat my hand. And so I ate his hand, which I will talk about in next week’s GOOP.

Lovely,

Gernerth Plowtrow. ”

the bad guy hideout

this is where we blog from every day.  gangbusters.

sex tape lessons

By now, you probably have heard about the recently surfaced sex tape (watch it there) featuring McSteamy, Noxema girl who is also a murder, and Miss Teen USA turned prostitute. Those of you who have watched the video may agree, there are lessons to be learned. So, I will grade the video like a class assignment by an elementary school teacher.

Objective: B Leak sex tape.  All publicity is good. Good job.

Execution: F If you are going to make a sex tape, have sex, not “have some bullshit conversation for three minutes and watch a hooker pay by credit card.” Very Poor. Check minus. Watch Pam and Tommy bone for seven hours and write a report for extra credit.

Grammar: F “Drownded” is not a recognized word by the Oxford English dictionary or anyone who isn’t a dumb slut.

Creativity: D Tristan Bailey and Tuff Hedon are porn names first graders would use.  Use the equation: dog’s name + street name = porn name. Take notes during class, this was an open book assignment. You are a terrible student.

Casting: D- Valedictorians would have used Megan Fox, Robert Pattinson, Chace Crawford and Blake Lively. But you cast a Grey’s Anatomy cast member, an actress that was in Jawbreaker, and hooker who owns light up rubber ducks. Light. Up. Rubber Ducks. Shows poor decision making skills.

Soundtrack: A Snoop Dogg shows a great mastery of both rap, history, and american rap history.

Editing: C Four minutes too long but does well at driving home the point that just because you are famous, does not mean you are classy, intelligent, sexy, and live in a nicely decorated apartment that does not have light-up rubber ducks.

Overall: D And detention. Where you will cut out circles and make a construction paper chain for the Welcome Back To School Swine Flu Vaccine parade.

god you are insufferable

if there is one person who is more obnoxious than gernerth plowtrow, it’s fucking Tyra Banks. With her hit talk show where she pretends to be a feminist and then has an entire program dedicated to gay guys telling girls how to dress and act in order for straight men to like them. “girrrrrrrrrl what I teeeeellll you bout it! aw snap.” And that other episode that offered the ground breaking question, “Is gay the new black?!”

Well guess what Tyra is doing now? Tyra’s latest move will leave you speechless. Take a guess. No, she is not flying to Darfur to investigate genocide. No, she is not traveling to Cambodia to uncover a sex trafficking ring of 12 year-old girls. Tyra is…..showing us her real hair! Her real, actual hair. No. You don’t understand. It’s her ACTUAL HAIR. canyoufuckingbeleiveit?!

If there is one thing I have always wanted to see on television, it would be Tyra Banks’ real hair. I wake up every morning and while I eat my cereal and watch the latest reports about the health care debate I sit and think, “I wish I knew what Tyra Banks’ real hair looks like.” Then I write  Obama a letter asking to for his support in the lobbying of the showing of Tyransauras Banks’ real hair. And then I write letters to her show, begging for the day she will take her weave off. The other letters I write to her regard me trying to be a guest on her show. Would you like to be a guest on her show? Because the following are real, actual scenarios they are recruiting for:

-Are you in love with an object?

-I text and eat while driving.

-Are you a well-deserved bride to be who’s like to win a designer size zero wedding dress that belongs to a very special Tyra guest?

-Does your daughter wish she had hair like Tyra?

-Are you Tyra’s biggest fan?

-Tyra tyra tyra tyra? Tyra.

She reminds me of Timmy on South Park. Not because she’s handicapped ( I don’t think she is) but because she is so self-absorbed and narcissistic that I imagine her to walk around all day screaming her name. Timmay! Tyra! Tyra Tyra ? Tyra!!! Ty-rahhh. Tyra? Tyra. Tyratyratyra.

quote of the day

“Robert Pattinson is the new Don Johnson.” -mom

in case you forget…

this laminated beauty sits at your table: 

remember that blago party we were at last week?

The one with rod blag and fabio? It was on The Daily Show last night. Watch the clip, it’s amazing.

Bad Guy GOOP: Your Weekly GOOP

Last week we reported that GOOP is on hiatus until September because Gernerth is in Moscow eating golden truffles, pretending to read books so she appears to be intelligent and making out with her husband, Coldplay Guy. So, we figured that for the next three weeks, we’d make up our own versions of GOOP. This week will be Bad Guy style. Next will be a fake Gwyneth one. And the third week will be another celebrity’s GOOP.

GET our friend Lindsey’s vintage, handmade jewelry on Etsy.

MAKE a cake in the shape of a cigar and send it to John Edwards, now that we know he is the father.

BE a good American. Stop watching town hall debates on health care and pay attention to what really matters in life.

DO not miss the series premiere of Mad Men this Sunday or you’re going to regret it forever part of Monday.

SEE if you can make it through the entire movie  Shakespeare In Love. Or Shallow Hal. Or Bounce.

GO visit Mount Rushmore. Why the hell don’t people go to Mount Rushmore anymore? Why isn’t anyone talking about this?

well, its no jesus toast….

but how cute is this yogurt smiley?!?!

photo by: bad guy boy

Ronald McMurderer

Haaaaaaaa. Peta might possibly be the scariest bunch of fucks on the planet. When you open it, there’s fake blood all over. That is scarier than any single one of those shitty movies where teens get lost in the woods/Mayan ruins/swimming pools/Neve Campbell/etc.

How To Not Look Old, But Still Kinda Ugly

I came across this book by Chal Plarff Charla Krupp today. You may know her by her other books: How to Look Like A Poor Man’s Tori Spelling, How To Not Perpetuate The Belief That Growing Older is a Beautiful Thing and How To Not Be Not A Lady Douche Bag.

Amazon says, people that bought her book also bought: Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, How Not To Look Fat, and Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography.

And a review by Petra says, “The most amazing chapters are on jeans, make-up and shapewear.”

Simply amazing.

lollapalurrza

Lollapalooza, or as many people call it, Music Taste of Chicago, was last weekend. Here is a BGH recap.

Water and ponchos were as common as teens on mushrooms wearing Band Of Horses graphic t-shirts making out in bushes and 40 year-old Perry Ferrell groupies barfing in the bushes. (We saw both).

The warm up.

The For Real

The Vampire Weekend Rainstorm.

the vampire weekend drum nap.

rod blagojevich gets money, friends

The Blag came to a party last night. An advertising party.  He and Fabio came in a hummer limo, he sang an Elvis song to a cheering crowd, took pictures and left. This man used to eat diamond caviar off unicorns with statesmen in his governor’s mansion and now he sings elvis songs to 20/30 year-old assholes eating chipwiches.  jesus.

This is my chipwich.

dear parents

it’s lollapalooza weekend. So if you’re 14 year-old child says she has a school field trip to Chicago to visit the Shedd Aquarium and Museum of Science and Industry and will be gone for three days and you look in her backpack and there’s a plastic bracelet, Bacardi, and a Kings of Leon t-shirt, check into it. Because school hasn’t started yet. She’s probably off to dance and eat Connie’s pizza and smoke weed, like these young children were last year. You can’t see it, but bandana boy has braces. If you are wearing braces you are too young to smoke weed. Unless you’re Tom Cruise.

Exhibit A

One time I ordered a pizza and there was a piece missing. so gross. the delivery driver must have been impressed with our order (pepperoni, fresh tomatoes, olives, artichokes). After complaining for twenty minutes and poking at it, we ate it anyway.

God Hates Figs

Us Bad Guys like to cause trouble  which is why we are friends with other people that cause trouble. Satirical religious group, Best Church of God,  crashed a protest earlier this week, held by everyone’s favorite douche bags, The Westboro Baptist Church. They were in town to protest gays and jews and Don Rickles (who was visiting. No, really. Actual Don Rickles). You can read more about it here. And see more photos here. Also, don’t you love Bad Guy Aemilia’s shorts? So cute.

Bitch, please: Your Weekly GOOP

Blah Blah Some Recipes Blah Blah. The problem with this weeks GOOP is the announcement that GOOP will not be back until September because Gwernerth is taking a vacation. She is taking a vacation from slaughtering ScarJo chickens, reading books for leisure and wearing dresses. I get it- reading Food Inc. and not appearing on magazine covers is tiring. The thing is, really Gwyn, you couldn’t have worked extra hard for a couple of days and line up a few more GOOP’s, just to last you the next three weeks, as to keep your website/newsletter/brag words disguised as help consistent? It’s really not that hard to throw some of your friend’s quotes in to a fucking email and save it. Do magazines come out over the holidays when no one is there? Yes, because they work extra hard beforehand. Do children get Halloween candy when people are away on vacation during trick-or-treating? Yes, because the family goes to Target, buys a huge bucket, throws candy in it, makes a sign that says, “Please take only one” and puts it on their door step. It’s not fucking hard to plan ahead a little bit and throw in some extra effort, because if you keep this up, your website is going to wither into obscurity, just like your Korean jean ad.

Fave Quote: “Goop is going on vacation…we will see you in September!”